


I'm A Goner: A Collection of Original Poetry

by lxghtwoodlxve



Category: Poetry - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Mostly Chronological, Poems, Poetry, Some Plot, alexa riley, all original poetry, basically just some stuff i write when i'm sad, chronological order, i'm a goner, is there any other way?, its just some sad shit tbh, kinda pretentious, trxnxti, will post in order of when i wrote them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-25
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-10-10 10:41:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 2,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10435899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lxghtwoodlxve/pseuds/lxghtwoodlxve
Summary: some poems, some sad, some not so. mostly quite short; lowercase intended when it occurs, mostly chronological order.





	1. 26/6/2015

**Author's Note:**

> yo,,  
> how are you? i hope you're well  
> this was written on 26th June 2015, i was fifteen years old and struggling with, well, everything, to be perfectly honest.  
> note: i don't really title my poetry in any organised fashion, and i never have. if it does have a title, i'll put it. if it doesn't, i'll put the date written. cool? cool.  
> thank you for reading!  
> stay strong, babes  
> \- t xo

I hate that I can't feel the way that you want me to  
I know that I want to, and yet somehow I can't  
I don't know if I'm scared or just strange  
You're such a good soul and yet I can't be there  
No one wants to be alone, but it's all I am  
I feel so disconnected from everything  
And everyone, but I don't want this

I want to feel close, and yet I'm so far  
I want to say I do, but my heart doesn't  
I want to feel that way, but my head wants to leave  
I'm not here for you anymore, only myself

I hate that feeling I get when I try too hard  
I need you to know that I can't do it  
I don't know if I'm scared or just strange  
I want to stay and love you more, if at all  
Not one day goes where I don't regret this  
I'm so disconnected from everyone  
And everything, and I don't want this

I feel incapable, broken,  
Left out in the rain  
Missing out on something so good


	2. 31/6/2015

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In Flanders Fields is a fucking beautiful poem. fifteen year old me thought they'd ruin that by making a sequel? tf??  
> originally written on 31st July 2015.   
> thank you for reading!   
> stay strong, babes  
> -t xo

In Flanders Fields, the poppies blow  
And not too soon, for life here still goes  
On and on, into the sky  
The larks sing no more, they don't fly  
Even when the mist goes blackened, grey  
They will still be here, day upon day  
In their earth tombs, lying still, unmoving  
Not free to change upon their choosing 

In Flanders fields, the poppies here grow,  
Like the people who visit's sorrow  
They shed tears of love, but know not  
Of the bodies left to rot  
In the battle grounds of memories long passed  
Those forgotten, they never last   
Long to the ones they once loved,  
Not one bird cries, but the doves


	3. Adam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> old fren. sad feelings. here commences the depressing shit  
> written on 8th February 2016. oh, sixteen year old me thought they were so mature (seventeen year old me - now, in other words - isn't much better)  
> thank you for reading!  
> stay strong, babes  
> \- t xo

the dark   
permeates through the sense of loneliness  
i get when i think of you  
your cold house and the way you held  
your cold guitar and the way you looked at me  
with the lyric sheet   
and the black ink scribbles

wishing that it could have stayed, look through  
the pixels with emotions and the  
memories held within them

brown hair and sex   
not really, though, because it would never happen  
and we swore,   
even if we traveled the world we would never  
but i always wonder  
tartan skirts and bootyshorts, nothing off limits  
intoxicated by the freedom  
nothing less than all, three parts of a whole discovered   
2 a.m. and the dark again

swallow me whole


	4. what is beauty?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pretentiousness ensues? just wait for the next one lmaoo  
> originally written on 15th February 2016.   
> i hope you enjoy! i know very little about art, all i've got is from random tv shows. sorry to all the actual art enthusiasts :D  
> thank you for reading!  
> stay strong, babes  
> \- t xo

is beauty the way your hair falls over you shoulder  
as you look back at the camera and smile?  
is it your coloured eyes and the way the flash reflects in them,  
the way your happiness seeps into the little wrinkles beside those lights?

is it the sound of the ocean, so overwhelming  
that you can't not cry at the imagined view?  
or is it the love in the way they hug you,   
a total stranger infatuated with your ideas?

is it the tone of the paint, or the hue of the chalk  
the chiaroscuro, the Monet, the van Gogh?  
is it the smile on the screen of the lover at war,  
the longing in their eyes as they look at Home in awe?

is it the leaves, so green and fresh, so bright?  
is it the look in the child's eyes when he gets his first look at sunlight?  
is it the pride in the lack of scars, in the cleanness of the flesh?  
is it the highs after the lows, the mountaintops so cherished?

no. it is all of these things; all the earth was made of.  
no. it is everything that you just have to look for.


	5. mining town

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: mentioned abuse, homophobia, religion, bullying. also jewels and the apocalypse?  
> please do skip this one if it will potentially trigger you. please stay safe, loves.  
> if you decide not to skip this one, i hope you enjoy. it's possibly my favourite one i've written  
> written on 29th February 2016.  
> please, please stay strong, and stay safe, babes  
> \- t xo

hard hats and black dust, headlamps and red rust  
mining down to the core for the best gold you can find,  
for the diamond, the rubies, the sapphire, but not the graphite  
searching for the best so you can leave and retire, the rest you've put on a pyre  
striking down the ones who don't fit your idea of perfect,  
murdering the ones that don't deserve what you expect

and yet you didn't see the shitstorm  
you didn't even know the ones who you called 'whore'  
see, she's a Catholic, she wants to be a priest  
look, he's a Muslim, he wants to serve his country  
there's the closet lesbian you called a 'dyke'  
but now she's beaten up every single night  
attacking the weak, destroying the brave  
there won't be anyone left to save  
no longer able to take refuge in a safe space,  
you can't learn with tears running down your face

and the classroom is not silent, a ticking clock remains  
and walls covered floor to ceiling with red paint- wait!  
it's blue paint, black paint, grey paint, white  
you didn't realise it's different for each flame you ignite  
some of them are strong, truly, there only to ward off the unruly  
some of them are weak, they paint the walls bright  
unable to say that you were the one who started the fight

empty groans and sighs collapse a hallway filled  
with broken bones and shattered glass  
enough of the lies, the crying, its not worth it!  
you broke that ancient mining village of the past and  
took the gold and the diamond and the rubies  
and left nothing but coal and dank dark dank dark dank dark

nothing is left but radiation, the monsters, the screaming  
nothing is left but this goddamn apocalypse  
i escaped the fallout, i escaped the demons  
i was left with an empty shell, a lunar eclipse  
and only coal burning in the old mining town


	6. 25/4/2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more pretentiousness. inspired by Emma Blackery's Feel Good 101 - The Unlikeliness Of You video. also The Fault In Our Stars.   
> written on 25th April 2016.   
> stay strong, babes!  
> \- t xo

you are not perfect, but you are beautiful  
you are a wonder of many types, whether it be  
beauty love grace wit words music  
or all of the above

you are a culmination of an entire species,  
and the beginning of a culmination more  
each individual a light in the sea of demons and breaks  
the dimmer the light, the dimmer the love  
the less light, more love given by some,  
more shadows given by one

but yet it is a daybreak that shows a lifetime,  
each split a fortress to a new butterfly's wing

each breath is a grave-way to a part  
every twitch a lifeless heart started

you are empty-ful, an endless combination of   
a collection of different infinities all wrapped up in one

you are beauty  
you are external, internal, infernally good and blessed by evil

love yourself


	7. 31/5/2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a lot of self-deprecation and sadness.   
> written on 31st May 2016, when i thought Ziva David/Cote de Pablo was the sexiest person ever. (i wasn't wrong, per se.)  
> stay strong, babes!  
> \- t xo

i wish i had better teeth,   
tanner skin and olive eyes  
a complexion free from redness  
or spots, or guise

i wish i was slim, my arms toned  
my stomach flat as a board  
i wish i had the energy to get that  
and the willpower to not want more

i wish i had a stronger voice,   
that i wasn't just a speck of dust on a speck of dust   
inside millions of others  
i wish i didn't realise this at all, in fact  
ignorance and blind bliss is an oxymoron when put with my name  
a life too bereaving and  
a mind too calculating  
create a masterpiece of disasters

i wish i wasn't alone when surrounded  
i wish i didnt cry at a hopeful expression   
and want to end it all, but i do  
because all of these things are too inevitable for me to ignore  
and too impossible to change

i wish i wasn't different   
i wish my mind connected the same way as others and i wish i   
could change it somehow, living   
seperately with earphones as my only help  
being the outcome i see most

i wish these words came out more eloquently, more simply, more beautifully  
in a limited time less thought of as a chore than a hobby


	8. 25/7/2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bitterness and gay love. did malec call? (sorry)  
> written on the 25th July 2016. very self-depreciating tbh  
> thank you for reading!  
> stay strong, babes  
> \- t xo

Dont be so stupid, i tell myself,  
Dont be so naive, because noone like that can love anyone like you  
Sick, broken off and cold, like the ice cube she dropped on the floor last night  
Or the feeling in her veins when you tell her, again, that she forgot to wipe the tables

Six more weeks of this, then a year, and shes gone,   
you can relax, move on to hating yourself over someone else  
and you can learn to love yourself over hating someone else someday,  
or maybe even sink into some sick sense of self-acceptance

Stop these feelings (not feelings) and stop pretending you know anything but   
How to grieve and apologise yet again from something you did or didn't do but  
These not-feelings swallow you up and spit you back out the way they did with me,  
only mine were unrequited

Tell me that she'll never love again, tell me that she'll stop herself  
And she will, because three times is too many  
And one time is enough for you


	9. 4/9/2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written on the 4th September 2016. angst and deperation make for an interesting mix.   
> thank you for reading!  
> stay strong, babes  
> \- t xo

being demiromantic is awful in my eyes and experience

and not because i dont want it, i promise  
i promise i do want it, but wanting is different to needing,   
the way i am made cannot be changed  
but the ache for something more being overridden by the   
fear and mistrust, the blockage in my mind from 

anything, really, any love or trust more than platonic  
or musical is nonexistent, my one true friend is the one  
i love most, and my heart breaks at the thought of anyone seeing me that way  
because they are never going to get anything in return

so im sorry, you, with the curly hair, and you, the one i wished for  
in secret, blue messages and snapshots all i have left  
and all i need to know that it is not for me

stop trying, they tell me, stop swimming and start living your life   
accepting yourself instead of trying to change it

so i drowned in it and now live with the pain


	10. 15/9/2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written on 15th September 2016. this one has a bit of gross imagery, nothing sexual. just flies and natural selection.   
> i hope you enjoy? i think? i'm not sure about this one but i'm posting it anyways  
> thank you for reading!  
> stay strong, babes  
> \- t xo

my tongue chokes on emotion

but not because i dont want it, i do  
but the flies burning under my skin make it hard  
make it stop, please, because it hurts to show it  
it hurts to be vulnerable in a room full of predators  
who will feast on it,  
screenshot it  
and post it everywhere for a misplaced footfall  
or a muttered scream of pain

its less like a song, or dance, than a lifeboat  
because someone, somewhere has already felt it,   
articulate it so i dont have to, please,   
give me that message in a bottle saying its fine,  
you're fine, but i cannot save you. only you can save yourself. 

put it away. put. it. away.   
only you can save yourself, so just stuff this into your suitcase and  
toss it in a river with the rest of your hopes and dreams  
which aren't even folded or arranged,   
just stuffed away like a candy wrapper in your pocket

but this is you  
so fish it back and savour this moment,   
because nothing tastes better than your own misery


	11. 15/9/2016 pt. ii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think i wrote three of these on the same day - i'm sorry if this gets confusing!  
> also written on 15th September 2016. i must have been v sad that day D:  
> thank you for reading!  
> stay strong, babes  
> \- t xo

thinking i might be good at something is ludicrous

because not only have i managed to condition myself  
and train myself into harmful modesty, only vain for humour  
and only happy when in a bit

the abyss of sleep will not save me, only distract  
from the endless ways i could end it with one touch, or one incision  
and the masochism will once again shine through

content only in the beat of my own torture,  
a sucker for pain is one way of describing it, the other  
being called crazy

when im just a bit messy, mind a little cluttered  
with demons and death and hurt and grief and lust and envy  
thoughts just fucking ruin it all, dont they?


	12. 15/9/2016 pt. iii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: brief suicide mention. please be careful!  
> being home alone isn't good for someone with abandonment issues.  
> once again, written on 15th September 2016.  
> thank you for reading!  
> stay strong, babes :D  
> \- t xo

being alone is scary

and not just in a way that i cant get over, tell me  
to be brave and you'll get through it and you're just having a bad day  
but when i do nothing, the boredness seeping in through my sieve mind  
and the good thoughts steeping out, the possibilities of danger seem endless  
and oddly enticing

masochism in the bathroom, tears streaming listening to sad songs  
should not be like this  
should not hate the thought of leaving  
this sacred prison leaves me hanging on a swing, up or down  
left  
or  
right  
to go to work or not to go to work  
seems to be the question of the minute

do i need it? need what  
crave the comfort of anothers touch,  
the soft companionship of social ignorance in the same room  
or the dead legs my shins cause  
or even just the silence over dinner  
i want that because it means comfort, it means treading water,  
i would rather suffocate with my head above the waves  
than drown in them  
please 

read me because i imagine out loud, things i wish could happen  
laughing at a joke my subconscious conscious made  
and the tears from imaginary heartbreak  
scared of being both lonely and not,  
because at least alone my thoughts are my  
own, and im not just another housemate

mental whispers speak this, i promise, but its not like im dead yet, right?


	13. 3/10/2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hate thinking sometimes  
> written on 3rd October 2016  
> stay strong, loves!  
> \- t xo

fear of silence

because nothing should leave me to my own thoughts,   
nothing sohuld leave me be  
i dont know whether my fingernails digging in is normal  
or if its just to distract, again

distraction distraction after another  
endless cycles and disastrous results  
but never ending, make it end, please

all these words are just a plea, just a way to get an answer  
even if i dont want it myself

dont want to depend on anything  
ever  
but i do  
and it hurts?

should it hurt?  
distract me


	14. 5/10/2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> an apology  
> written on 5th October 2016  
> stay strong, loves!  
> \- t xo

im sorry for the words that come too thick  
too fast, too honestly, because noone needs those burdens  
noone needs those fears inside of them  
im sick, twisted, cold, broken  
but i made me this way, i made me this mess  
i created this hunk of flesh so hell-bound,   
so God damned bent on self destruction  
that it seems foolish to stand in my own way  
, surely not?


	15. self

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written on 1st December 2016. proud of this one  
> this is the last of the prewritten ones. if i find more, i will post them. if i write more, i will post those too.  
> thank you for reading!  
> stay strong, loves!  
> \- t xo

open this book  
it is but small, simple  
leaf through me as quickly as everyone else did  
do not linger, on any one page or letter or word,  
utterances linger afterwards, however  
sheer memories of that haunted home  
i call 'self'

not glossy pages, or even thick thin holy text  
just small, nondescript paper, black ink  
not even high quality pictures,  
or even art  
this book is filled with multiple child's drawings of unspeakables  
and tea stains

well leafed, well left, well shut.  
almost bound shut, self-bound with tape.  
to stop it from falling apart.  
finality only occurs when the owner finally realises.  
its too broken to fix.  
too broken to heal.


	16. I Am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so,, bit of a weird one here folks  
> originally written on 19/10/2016  
> i just found it and thought, hey, why not post it on this book no-one is reading?  
> :D  
> stay strong, loves!  
> \- t xo

I am a musician  
This is what I do  
I create for other peoples ears and hopes and fears  
I want to do this forever  
I have the drive to get where I want to get  
I just need to pretend like I can get by doing something else until I can no longer  
Is this the point of no longer?  
I do not know  
For I am dead inside, wishing my lies came out smoother  
My life was cooler  
Even though it will not be  
Even though these words are forced,   
A forced prison of therapy  
‘don’t let me be gone’  
As if that is a choice  
Saddened by the absence of my apparent cheer  
What happened in those three seconds to bring in this  
Fear?  
Is it even that, when what I wish was, is not?  
Same old, same old  
As if it’s something I can change  
When it really isn’t  
It never really was  
Enforcing a change which none but me are affected by  
Kill it off, kill it off  
Quickly, please, please  
Get these thoughts out of my head


End file.
